Got kids? File your yearly report.

Should parents have to file reports to prove they are good parents?

The post title reads: "HSLDA Jubilant That Iowa Homeschool Parents Won’t Be Required to Teach Their Kids". Right. Because that was the goal- the freedom of homeschoolers to not actually homeschool.

If we are going to go there, then to be fair we should look at every facet of parenting. After all, parents who care about their children shouldn't be concerned about a little red tape, and they should understand how necessary government oversight is to ensure that every child is safe and well and educated. Even one instance of parental neglect in any area is one too many, and government has the power to protect every child from ignorance, hunger, violence, and let's face it- government knows what is best for each individual child.

Thus, all parents should report regularly to their family physician to prove that they are caring for their children properly. Menu plans and exercise schedules should be filed each year, and a yearly examination should be mandatory. These reports will be filed with the state. They will also be public record, by the way.

What's that you say? Privacy rights? What are you trying to hide?!?

Children should be evaluated by therapists as well, because their emotional well-being is just as important as their physical health. Or do you not think children's mental health is important?

Families live in apartments, condos, and houses, even RVs- so these dwelling places must also be inspected for safety, and should meet federal standards of a 'nurturing environment'.

No one who really cares about kids should protest these measures. Anyone who does obviously wants parents to not be required to feed, clothe, educate, or otherwise care for their children. Without state oversight, parents can feed their kids anything - Fruit Loops, Twinkies, Cheetos. . . Kids will be sitting in front of televisions getting fat, and parents will be out partying until all hours without any shred of concern that their kids are safe, healthy, or getting enough sleep.

This makes home education a really bad idea. Parents teaching their own kids? Are you serious? They might want their kids to be religious! Or follow in some other heinous family tradition like medicine or law enforcement! They might celebrate Thanksgiving - which we all know is a holiday dedicated to the eating of helpless animals in celebration of mass genocide! 

It's a sham! It's a sham with yams! It's a yam sham! (BTVS)

This all makes sense because we know for a fact that abuse never, EVER happens in public or private schools. These are sacred institutions dedicated to the care and nurturing of other people's children. Teachers are all qualified (we know this because they are certified by the state) and they know exactly what each child needs. They have so much more invested than parents, and would not be involved in covering up child sexual molestation. They also encourage children to think for themselves and do not promote any particular ideology. They have proven to be 100% effective in producing well-educated and responsible citizens. The playing field is perfectly level, and no child is ever left behind.

Come to think of it, why not have parents meet standards for certification and receive a license to bear children? That way we can keep imbeciles from reproducing, and we can guarantee that every child will be safe and loved and educated. There will nothing but love and daisies and puppies for everyone!

And now we will return to our regularly scheduled sanity. Thank you.